My Date Night Insomnia



Posted: Friday, April 20, 2007

by

It is 4 am on Friday morning and I can't sleep. I am reflecting on a conversation with my husband from the night before."Why are we always the last on the list for a night out? All I ask is for one night a month for us to go out." These words shot through me with an unexpected force. Not because these words were mine but because these were the words of my husband. In a moment's flash I could have gone to defensiveness as I thought he meant that I don't make enough time for him. But I knew there was something more to it, if I only slowed down and listened.

The reality of the Arnzen's family life is common. We live in a dual career household with two teenage daughters, a daughter in the last year of elementary school and a mother-in-law. Between shuttling kids to activities and being available to provide oversight when boyfriends come to visit, there is not much "couple time". We have known this reality for some time because when the girls were younger, their physical needs were more demanding and our involvement just as necessary. Somewhere in all of this, we found ways to steal moments of time together. As goofy as it sounds, going grocery shopping, running errands, or even sitting at one of the girls practice sessions (gymnastics, piano, swimming, basketball) were ways to catch up. From the outsider's perspective, I'm sure it looks like we are together a lot. But these times are about catching up with each other. My husband's comments were saying something different. He was saying that he wanted to invest in "us" not just sync up schedules. He wanted "us" to be the priority.

Earlier in the week, I told him that I'd missed him and wished we could be together. He suggested that we go out on Friday. Sounded great at the time but when we realized that each daughter had plans, the frustration grew and hence the comment. As my husband walked passed me the frustration had dissipated but the intensity was in his eyes and quiet voice. He leaned in and said, "I would love to take my wife out on a date". My heart melted, I smiled and immediately jumped into action to make it happen. Strangely, something inside told me to pull back. So many women complain that their husbands are not romantic, invest, or take leadership in their relationships. If these women are anything like me, I don't give my husband a chance. I've learned that I take over because of lack of patience, fear of disappointment, or just efficiency. When I do this, something gets done but something also is missed. What is missed is the opportunity to affirm my husband's contribution to our relationship. This time I decided to sit back and watch my husband's strength and leadership rise to the surface. He spoke to the girls, worked towards a win/win for all of us. As I watched and listened, my love for his heart and respect for his wisdom grew. He truly made "us" a priority. I felt so valued. Isn't that the essence of a date whether it is your first date together or the 100th? Boy, am I excited to go out tonight. Hmm, I wonder if that's why I have insomnia.

Find out more about Christine Arnzen's Marriage Counseling work at the National Institute of Marriage at www.nationalmarriage.com.

This Article has been viewed 281 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
No comments yet.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.